I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
