Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
