she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
