I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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