Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
