somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
