Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize