I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
