I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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