they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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