John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
