Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
