Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
