i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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