I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
