I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
These tits shall not be calmed
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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