just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
its liver damage thursday
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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