He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
