I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
