I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
