If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
