I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
