he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
