She went from zero to smokin in five shots
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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