my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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