just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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