her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Ketchup is God's man juice
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
