the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Semen is not good for contacts.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
