i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
