My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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