my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
this will be a night to untag.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
