i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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