I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
