I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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