Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Did I show you my penis last night?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
