I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
