I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
