I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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