Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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