he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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