mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
