I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Sext me about skeletons
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
