Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
