Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
