I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
