I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
