pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
