I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
