The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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