you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
